Mums and dads found that learning how to reduce conflict in the family home was important for their relationships and for their children’s wellbeing.

The four most common behaviours that contribute to conflict in a relationship are:

Criticism
Defensiveness
Contempt
Stonewalling

These four behaviours damage a relationship and negatively affect all family members, including children. Let’s look at each one in more detail where we share some useful strategies to reduce those behaviours and improve communication.

Criticism can often show up first in a relationship. Criticism makes a person feel hurt, rejected, and attacked.

Couples can fall deeper into this pattern where criticism shows up more frequently and intensely. Criticism impacts on emotional wellbeing leading to mental and physical health issues.

What does it look like?

Using exaggerated statements: "you never clean the dishes! You're so lazy!"
Using "should" statements: "you should have known the dishes needed clearing!"
Finding fault in what your partner did and “fixing” it, for example re-loading the dishwasher after they've done it.

What to do differently:

We can all take steps towards healthier communication. By paying attention to our words and tone, we have a better chance of hearing and understanding our partner’s needs and concerns.

Get your conversation off to a better start by:

Using "I" statements

Try to avoid blaming – blame can show up in tone of voice & body language too
Describe what is happening, e.g. I notice that…
Be polite
Show appreciation
Starting early, don’t let issues fester
Maintain a sense of calm

Contempt develops when there is a loss of respect between partners. Communicating in this negative way really says, “I am better than you, you are less important in this relationship”.

What does it look like?

Finding fault in everything
Being condescending
Being sarcastic or mocking them
Interrupting, ignoring the person

What to do differently:

We can all take steps towards a respectful relationship. We can start by building appreciation, affection and admiration into our conversations, here are some things to try:

When was the last time you gave your partner a compliment? Make a commitment to do this more often.
When was the last time you laughed or remembered a fond time from your past? Make a commitment to share a memory that you both enjoyed.
When was the last time you acknowledged your partner’s effort or behaviour? Make a commitment to tell your partner how proud you are of them.
When was the last time you said thank you? Make a commitment to say thank you for the ways they have supported you.
When was the last time you were spontaneous? Make a commitment to surprise your partner with something, just because you thought about them.
When was the last time you expressed compassion towards your partner? Make a commitment to acknowledge any suffering and offer a warm hug.

Defensiveness shows up when people feel attacked or criticised by their partner. When defensiveness appears in a conversation both parties are left alone to solve the issue.

Although it may seem a legitimate reaction, defensiveness can often lead to more conflict. When someone is blaming, making excuses, or not taking responsibility this communicates to the partner that they are not taking the issue seriously.

What does it look like?

Anger or annoyance at being treated unfairly
Responding with a counterattack
Acting like they had no part to play
Complaining

What to do differently?

Take responsibility. When you can take responsibility, it allows the possibility for an open and honest conversation with your partner. When you can have a real conversation, you become a team working together to solve the issue, instead of fighting over who is right/wrong.

This can be difficult to do at first. To help you develop this skill:

1. Identify a tricky conversation you want to have.

2. Write out how you want it to go.

3. Identify where you can take responsibility.

When a person withdraws, shuts down or stops responding to their partner they are stonewalling. The intention behind stonewalling is to protect from, and escape, the overwhelming negativity and conflict in a relationship. People can often use alcohol as a way to withdraw from a partner or as a short-term relief from conflict.

What does it look like?

Someone who is stonewalling may:

Act busy
Turn away
Tune out
Get caught up with other things

What to do differently:

We can all take steps to be compassionate to ourselves when we notice stonewalling. In those moments of overwhelm when stonewalling is triggered, you can “Stop, Drop, Soothe”.

Before you can do this, agree with your partner a neutral word or phrase that you can both use to stop a conversation. E.g. bananas

1. Stop: when you notice you are feeling overwhelmed, say that agreed neutral word to your partner

2. Drop: this word will signal a break in the conversation for both of you to cool off

3. Soothe: use this time to do something that is soothing before returning to the conversation.

By soothing we don’t mean drink alcohol. Drinking to numb or avoid the feeling will keep you stuck in the stonewalling cycle.

Some examples of soothing things that promote wellbeing include:

going for a walk, run
listening to music
relaxation exercises
mindfulness colouring
writing/ drawing
stroking the cat/dog/other household pets
gardening
go under the duvet

What else could work for you?

Remember that the damage to a relationship can take time to repair and that external help may be needed. Visit our next steps page for a list of useful national services that can help with.